This too shall pass

Well, I haven't written on here in quite some time. I wouldn't say it's mainly because I'm always at work and haven't found the time but it's because I haven't had anything important to share with people who struggle with the same disorder as me. However, today I do have something to share.

Around this time a year ago, I started my journey of decreasing my Ativan dosage. I have been on Ativan for 4 years now taking 2 mg a day. Although, I feel like all of my medication have saved my life, Ativan in particular is something you should not take long term. If a single dose of an antidepressant can change the architecture of the brain in ways we have no science to appreciate, what are the results of chronic, long-term use? Your body becomes dependent and adjusts to it. There was one day I did not have anymore pills and I thought I could wait until the morning to get my new prescription. Well, definitely a mistake. I ended up driving myself to the ER because I couldn't think straight, was shaking, and having a panic attack for hours.... and I mean hours! Now I know what you're thinking- it's mind over matter, or perhaps that I'm thinking about it too much and that's why I freaked out and ended up in the hospital. Not the case. I tried multiple times to talk myself out of what was happening but nothing seemed to help. I really thought I had it under control and knew what to do in this awful state of mind. At the ER, I end up having to wait a while before seeing a doctor. A nurse walked in to take my blood pressure and when she finished I asked her to leave the door open. I feel trapped, the walls were closing in on me, and she knew exactly why I was there. ... She looks at me and laughs. There's a special place in hell for her.

Besides that incident, I began to realize just how dependent my body was on this drug and I KNEW I had the courage and strength to get off the medicine or at least try. After talking to my doctor, she told me it was a great idea to go down and to go down slowly. When I say slowly, I mean SLOWLY. I didn't really feel any side effects from tapering down until recently. The day I decided to decrease my dose and finally have the courage to follow through was the day my friend's uncle passed away. That was the day I began my journey. I thought if they're going through something so tragic right now, I can do this. There are way worse things happening in this world.

Right now, I'd say I am struggling. As of two days ago, I am down to HALF of my dose- 0.5 mg in the morning and 0.5 at night. It took me a year to get to the point but I knew if I was going to do it, I needed to take my time and I didn't care how long it would take. Lately, I've been getting horrific headaches and having general anxiety during the day- feeling overwhelmed even though I'm really not, feeling a bit depressed and down, and irritable- feeling like I just want to be alone. It seems that when everything is going right, I'll fall into a little bit of a slump. It could be the seasons changing because change is one of my biggest anxiety triggers. Happens every time life gets into a different little routine. But everything's going great- I got accepted into grad school, I am a full-time student and work full-time. I have a great roommate. A dog to keep me company. I'd say for the most part I'm pretty healthy. But why? Why is it that every time things seem to go great for me is the time I always get anxiety? Yet I don't get it in a middle of a dinner rush at work when I have a million and a half things to do.

After all this time, you'd think I'd have a handle on my anxiety, my triggers, and how to change my thinking patterns. I like to think I do but then I get into times like this where I'm petrified I'm going to hit rock bottom again back when I was 18 yrs old Back then, those 6 months I was in a deep depression I was taking medicine so I could get out of the slump and feel normal again. For the past 4 years, things have been going pretty well with the anxiety- with moments here and there. But, in the long run I know that I can not rely on this medicine forever. Eventually, it could just stop working because I could be so immune to it. Zoloft however, I will probably be on forever but taking a Benzo everyday is NOT good for the health in the long run. I hope to get to a point where I only take it when I need it. I wish when I was 18 I knew more about the medicine so I wouldn't have become so addicted but yet again when you're in a desperate state of mind, you'll do anything to feel yourself again.

But right now, these side effects are just plain awful. I know I have come too far in this journal to turn back now. But I'm scared of relapsing. The risk of relapse is usually related to the nature of the effects that the medication has on the brain and body. I want to be in control of my life, my mind, my body, my brain, without the use of medicine. I have faith in myself that one day I will get there. Although there are some nights I really want to go back to my normal dose, I remind myself that I'm strong and I can do anything I set my mind too. At least I like to think like this. So far, I have accomplished everything I would have liked to because I've worked hard and pushed through the difficult times. I do hope that I will eventually feel better without the use of Ativan. I hope I can be someone's inspiration who is also struggling getting off a difficult medicine. No one wants to feel like this. I hate this.

Like my mother has always said, "this too shall pass" and I keep this in the back of my head at all times, especially through this extremely difficult journey.