Every time feels like the first time

I open my eyes, look around the room and my head is spinning. I don't feel completely connected to my body. I get out of my bed, walk around but I can't seem to shake the feeling of being in a daze. I think to myself, "why am I feeling all this anxiety? did I take all my pills last night?" and suddenly I am overwhelmed with the fear that I might not have taken my Zoloft. Thinking about my night, I realize how confident I am that I have missed the dose. I immediately take the pill and lay down in my bed. I feel a panic attack arising. I feel like I am going to throw up. The room is spinning, I can't feel my body, everything is getting smaller and smaller and I start to get really hot. The next I remember, I wake up in the morning.

I have been suffering from severe panic attacks since I was 18 years old. I am 24. You would think I would be able to fully understand them and be able to talk myself through it. But every time feels like the first time. It's like your favorite roller coaster. No matter how many times you ride it, the drop is still as intense as the first time. Same with panic attacks. There's nothing you can do but be overwhelmed with irrational thoughts and the feeling of emptiness until the feeling subsides. Last night, I was not prepared. I was suddenly feeling like I was 18 all over again, the year I was first diagnosed. I felt absolutely absolutely horrible and afraid. The aftermath sucks even worse. Today I am just constantly reminded about the panic attack and deathly afraid it will happen again. I continue my day feeling very uneasy.

This morning all I wanted to do was lay in my bed and cry. I am angry and bitter over the fact that I was diagnosed with this horrible and disgusting disease. I am immediately reminded that I struggle with something internally and the giant impact it has on my life. I also struggle with going down on my anxiety medicine. Without these drugs, I would not be able to function. In fact, I don't even think I would know who I am. These drugs keep me alive. Or at least, that's how my brain thinks of them as. And it hurts. I think back to being a young kid and how taking a vitamin was the only "pill" I needed to worry about. I think about how I have been trying to get off Ativan for a year and a half now and am still only half way through the process. I think about how I am so dependent on these drugs and forgetting to take a pill can throw everything off. But then I also think, these drugs have saved my life.

In previous blog posts, I have shared my experience on being diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and how I was lower than rock bottom, with my last hope being medicine. I wanted to stay away and I tried my hardest. I tried all different kinds of anti-depressants to try to help my situation and most of them made me feel even worse. However, because of my mom, I got my life back. I started Zoloft at 25 mg. I felt horrible at first, even worse than before. But my mom did NOT let me stop taking them. I increased to 50, 75, and finally 100. The amount of joy I felt when I got to 100 was the reason why I started in the first place. It felt like I had climbed out of the dark deep hole I was trapped in and I was able to enjoy my life again. I truly believe Zoloft saved my life so why am I so angry that I feel addicted to these medications?

I don't have an answer for that. I don't know the reason but what I do want people to know is that it's okay. We all need boosters in order to be our best selves. Yes, you can read tons of articles of how these drugs don't work, how it's just a way for pharmaceutical companies to make money, and so much more. But, this drug saved my life. Yes, you can feel like you're addicted, that your body is dependent, feeling as if you need it forever, but if it helps you like it have helped me, don't listen to everyone else. The amount of times I have heard negative comments about me taking medicine is outrageous. I am strong and so are you.

I always look back and wonder how things could have played out differently and if the natural remedies could have helped me but I chose a different type of treatment. I am who I am because of what I have gone through. My heart breaks for those who are also struggling and this is why I continue to write my blog. Go ahead and judge me. Because I know for sure if you are a stranger to me, you will never be able to see my struggles on my face. Writing a blog has been a very personal thing to do and for some people closest to me, they don't fully understand how this disorder affects me, my life and some decisions I have chosen to make. Even after hours of explanation, some people just don't understand. What I do know is that there is someone out there reading this feeling relieved they are not alone and may be experiencing similar things. You are the reason I put my personal life out there. You never will be alone. Be proud of the decisions you have made along the way. Be proud you got out of bed this morning. You deserve to live a happy, worry-free life. No feeling is permanent. This too shall pass.