Let your faith be bigger than your fears

 
1/15/12 at 5:53pm- "Sitting in my bed and I just got out of it for the first time since 9am. I don't wanna do anything. Everything is completely hopeless because I just can't feel the same again. My vision is constantly blurry and I feel like I'm stuck this way. Why can't I just feel like myself again? I'm just going through the motions. I'm just watching myself write this. I skyped Emily today which made me happy for about 2 minutes then depressed again".
 

I kept a journal when I was going through hell and back a little over 3 years ago. Not only to keep track of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions but to eventually share my story with other sufferers to show them that it CAN and WILL get better. I made a promise to myself that if I ever got out of this funk and felt normal again, that I would share my story as a symbol of hope. I have survived.

Back in 2012, you might mistake me for a walking skeleton. No emotion and no hope, just going through the motions. I could barely eat or sleep and whenever I was able sleep I would wake up shaking, with an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety. I'd lay there, pull the covers back over my head, and try to go back to sleep so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain anymore. I would lay in the same spot for days... but luckily I had my mom pushing me to get up and do things I once enjoyed doing prior to my diagnosis. I knew I had hit rock bottom and I knew there was only going up from here. With my mom being my biggest motivator, I knew anything was possible. I dragged my mom down with me; every hospital visit, every therapy appointment, every program I participated in. She had all the faith in the world in me which helped me push to get the help I desperately needed. And even though I knew I was strong and determined to get better, in the back of my mind, there was only one thing stopping me from taking my own life; my mom. I never wanted to let her down.

Together, we researched and reached out to doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists on how to treat anxiety and depression. Neither of us knew anything about this illness. One of my mom's friends referred me to the Butler Outpatient Program. After reading reviews of the patients online who had been through the program, I had hope of getting better and I was so eager to begin. Aside from the program, I took part in 3 different therapy sessions. It was exhausting but it was well worth it.

6 months later, after getting the help I needed and trying different medications to help my anxiety and depression, I felt like my life was getting back on track. I will never forget that moment when I started to feel happy again and realizing getting help was the best thing I ever did for myself.

So here I am today, 3 years later from when I wrote that chilling entry in my journal. And to tell you the truth, I can still feel that very moment when I wrote that and how grateful I am to be sitting here telling you it is going to get better. And if I can do it, so can you.

There are other people out there suffering from the SAME thing you are. If you don't have an awesome mom by your side like I was fortunate to have, you have a million other people rooting for you. Always remember, you are NOT alone.

GET HELP. Don't think. Get help. I believe in you. I believe in recovery.

Watch this very inspiring video of a young man who shares his empowering story.

If you are depressed or have had thoughts of suicide, please seek help at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Insecurity kills all that is beautiful

Aside from the dreadful panic attacks, the constant worrying, the negative thoughts, and the inability to never fully relax, I would have to disclose that one of my worst character flaws is my deep sense of insecurity. My body is relentlessly drowned with immeasurable amounts of insecurity. Not just the insecurity about how you physically look on the outside but how feel about yourself on the inside. I've wrestled with insecurity problems for as long as I could remember. Being the middle child definitely wasn’t the easiest role to play growing up but it did lead me to not act as the most well behaved child. At times, I could be so malicious to people around me. My parents always thought it was jealously issue. In fact it was. I envied the way some kids got royally treated. I was constantly punished. Constantly being thrown from one house to another, getting my door removed from my evil step father, not being allowed to go any place other than my room, and being told I was going to be put in a group home. Whether I deserved these punishments for being a merciless child, it made it nearly impossible to downright love myself inside. I always saw other kids full of laughter, smiling, and they sure made it seem like their life was completely perfect. Now I’m not saying every moment in my childhood was horrible or that my parents are bad people for giving me proper punishment, but certain experiences affected how I felt inside and carried with me as I grew older.

The insecurity carried with me for a lingering amount of time. It wasn’t until I was nearly a Sophomore in High School that I began to feel good about myself again. I was surrounded with some of the best friends in the world, I was apart of a dance competition team, and I loved my High School Volleyball team. I felt good about myself for a while until I had to turn the page in the book and begin a new chapter of my life; college. As exciting as you think going to college may be, I didn’t exactly cope with the change well. This was also around the same time that I was diagnosed with anxiety. The feeling of being insecure returned and came back full force. About a few months into being diagnosed, I started to question almost everything in my life. I think the main question that set me off was “Why me?”. I didn’t understand why I had been diagnosed with such a horrible disease that made me feel sick every second of every day. I would then question the most ridiculous things because I couldn’t confine in myself. Is my best friend finding a new best friend? Does the guy I have a crush not like me anymore? Is my hair too long? How about too dark? Does someone not texting me back in over a few hours mean that they suddenly hate me?  

Did I do something wrong? 

The answer was no. I am well aware that I struggle with insecurity. They say that one of the most attractive traits a woman can have is her confidence, which is why I have always shown confidence on the outside even if it's the exact opposite of how I felt on the inside. But the more people got to know me and got close to me, the more my insecurities bled through my skin. I was back to my old self again where I had no appreciation of my talents, personality traits, abilities- and I was judging myself unfairly according the perverted view and past experiences I have gone through. I’ve always felt somewhat worthless, unimportant, and talent less for months on end and at times it could be one of the worst feelings. It's hard to admit that majority of guys have eventually made me feel like I was not good enough or how many friends I used to be extremely close to are now complete strangers to me. I truly struggle with the fear of getting close to people again because they ALWAYS leave. And when they leave, I think it’s me. It makes me question parts of my life. But then again, that’s life for you and life is constantly changing. 

Back in July, Taylor Swift made a very moving speech at her concert that brought tears to my eyes and hit really hard to home. Instead of writing it all out, please watch this video. Regardless if you like Taylor Swift or not, I personally cannot put into words how much I can relate to her speech.

"You're seeing all these angles of your own life and you're comparing it to other people's lives when you don't see what they're going through- you just see the good parts of what they're going through. And so I say to you, when you start to compare yourself to other people, please change the channel in your mind to something else. When it comes to how we see ourselves other people are mean, but we are really mean to ourselves."

With all that being said, I continuously keep my head up. I will never bring other people down just because I lack self-confidence in myself. In fact, I am aware and when I start to act like I’m being ridiculous or thinking something irrationally I will pick up on it. On this difficult road to feeling good about myself again, I wrote some rules to live by when you who are feeling insecure as well.

1. Be Aware

Distinguish between what is real and what is imaginary. Before you go on a rampage or begin to think the complete worst of things, think logically. For example, you just get finished talking to your best friend about how thankful you are she’s in your life and you can’t wait to go out on Friday. She responds with “Okay sounds good”. Instead of thinking oh my god she doesn’t even care, she doesn’t even want to hang out, did she find a new best friend, what did I do wrong? I miss how things used to be. But in reality- think about it. Is that your imagination running away with every possible reason that is wrong? People that are insecure tend to focus on the negative and seeing the worst in things when in fact that person probably didn’t even think twice about sending that text. Look at it from the other person’s aspect and change your mindset.

2. Stop comparing yourself

One of the worst things you can do is compare yourself to others. You may compare yourself to someone who is beautiful, has a handsome boyfriend and a humbling career. But you don’t see what they’re going through- you just see the good parts of what they’re going through. Change the channel in your mind to something else. Begin to appreciate the wonderful things about YOURSELF and what makes YOU different. Instead of comparing yourself to someone, compare yourself to you. How are you becoming a better person? What are the skills you have now that you didn’t once have before? Although it may seem like a never-ending game of comparison and competition, you are your fiercest competition in life and only you can better yourself.

       3. Simply love yourself

Take the time to look in the mirror in the morning and be proud of who you are. Be proud of the things you have accomplished. Take baby steps to loving yourself again. Think of what makes you different from other people and don’t let the opinion of someone else mold you into who you are. Take the time to write out all your good qualities- What do you like about yourself? What’s your best personality trait? And most importantly, take care of your body, your space, and your time. Make sure to keep your body healthy- exercise, eat healthy, and get enough sleep. Keeping your body healthy is a huge step to being confident and feeling good about yourself again. Use your time wisely. Instead of letting your mind drift off into different negative places, do what you love and love what you do. Do what makes you feel good and what makes you feel happy. Eliminate the things that DON’T make you feel good. Fake it till you make it.

 

Easier said than done but grab a hold of your insecurity and don’t let it go. Face it, accept it and you’ll soon be on your way to self-acceptance and love.

Project Semicolon

First off, I can’t put into words how appreciative I am for all the love and support I have received from my friends, family, and even strangers acknowledging my courage to finally speak out about my battle with a mental illness. Although going public with my struggle was far from easy, I am so grateful that people are able to relate to my story and can look at me as an example of hope. In my opinion, one of the most important things you can do when living with a mental illness is to speak about it. NOT live in silence. Which leads me to my next topic...
 
Project Semicolon.

I don’t know how many of you have heard about this project but it has vastly grown over the past few years and is trending all over social media and the news. Project Semicolon is a faith-based movement dedicated to presenting hope and love for those who are struggling with anxiety, depression, suicide, addiction and self-injury. Their mission is to use positive awareness to fight the sigma that surrounds mental health. It's about starting a conversation. By simply drawing a semicolon on your wrist on April 16^th every year. The semicolon symbol is meant to spread awareness and get people more educated and involved with mental illness awareness. And if you’re thinking it’s just a mark of a really committed grammar nerd, you are wrong. Unlike other random or mystifying trends, this one has a serious meaning behind it.

Why the Semicolon though?

A semicolon is where an author could have ended his sentence, but chose not to. You are the author and the sentence is your life. Your life is valuable, your life is a story that only you can tell.  

 

Back in the Spring of 2013, Amy Bleuel, the Project Semicolon Founder, wanted to honor her father who committed suicide. She came to realize that the semicolon symbol related to the struggle of anxiety, depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide and their will to continue on. As time went on, the symbol spread to more than just one person. There were thousands of people longing to continue their story and a live a life that would inspire others to continue as well. People were using the grammar mark as a symbol to represent all the times they wanted to give up but continued through their difficulties.


The vision of the campaign is that "together we can achieve lower suicide rates in the US and around the world; That together we can start a conversation about suicide, mental illness and addiction that can't be stopped;
We envision love and hope and we declare that hope is alive;
We envision a society that openly addresses the struggle with mental illness, suicide and addiction;
We envision a conversation embraced by churches and addressed with love;
We envision a society that sees their value and embraces it;
We envision a community that comes together and stands together in support of one another;
We envision a world where an escape is not found within drugs or alcohol;
We envision a world where self-destruction is no longer a escape to be used;
We envision a revolution of LOVE and declare that our stories are not over yet;"

While researching the Semicolon Project, I came across two really inspiring quotes that I wanted to share, both by Maci Lakey (a participant in the Semicolon Project).

"The Semicolon Project truly saved my life, it's not about a symbol, it's about the power and the stories behind it. So many people across the world are suffering from mental illness and no one is doing anything about it. People criticize what they don't understand..."

                                                 & 

"We should all know about the Semicolon Project and we should all learn about compassion. It's okay to ask for help if you're hurting and it's okay to be there for somebody who is. The semicolon shouldn't just be a symbol you put on your wrist once a year to show that you care, but it should be a lifestyle. You should live your life with an open mind, patience, understanding, and courage to stand up for your friends. Together, we can save a life."

Many are now making the marks permanent, with semicolon tattoos. Just like a tattoo, a mental illness is permanent as well and it's a constant reminder not to give up. Tattoos are also a great conversation piece and it basically forces you to talk about it. Talking about something that is very invisible on the outside can be extremely helpful. Just like myself, people don't need to hide their battle.

Please promise not to end your sentence and I will promise you that you are not alone.

Watch this inspiring video below and listen to the heartfelt stories of these three people who are sharing their story for the world to see.  
Visit http://www.projectsemicolon.org for more information about the project, how to get involved and even read other inspiring stories from people all over the world battling a mental illness.

The Only Way Out is Through

What do you see in the picture above? A young girl who appears to be happy? Well, that girl is me and what you don't see in this picture is the vicious and on-going battling that I am fighting on the inside each and every day, along with thousands of other people. I have been suffering with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Severe Depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for the past 4 years. During those 4 years, there have been ups and downs I always thought that being strong meant being quiet. Very few people understood the feelings that took over me or even understood what I was going through but even more than that, people judged me. However, I have come to realize that speaking out does not only help you but it helps many other people dealing with the same illness.

I craved to start a blog for a few reasons: to try to inspire others to challenge mental health stigma, to parade a message of hope, and to bring attention and awareness to mental illnesses about how they are extremely misunderstood and invisible. Mental illnesses are real, although you cannot see them. But like any other physical illnesses they can cause a great deal of suffering. I have become determined to speak out and break the silence that surrounds mental health. No one hides the fact they have diabetes or cancer in the same way people hide their mental illnesses, and in the 21st century, that's just not right. I don’t have enough fingers to count on both hands how many times I have been judged, made fun of, or told "it's all in your head" when I choose to speak out. My favorite line is “You just want self pity”. Aside from the negative comments I've endured, I also have people who stand by me to this day. Through my blog posts, I hope to express my path to the person I have come today and reflect on how I’ve come this far. I will post about the challenges I face everyday and the old/new techniques I use to overcome my anxiety in every day life situations. My hope is that I can relate to those who are suffering from the same things I do because even though we feel alone, we are not. I'd like to make one thing clear and it is that I am not writing this for sympathy. So if you want to comment that mental illnesses don't exist or we're all faking it or even telling our stories for sympathy and attention, take that rubbish elsewhere.

So here’s my story...

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Severe Depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) at Butler Hospital in 2012 when I was 18 years old. It was a harsh time for me as I was a freshman in college and living an hour and a half away from my home. The doctor at Butler told me that I needed to drop out of school for the time being so I could get my life back to normal. However, I refused to do this because I was transferring to a different college the following year. I ended up dropping 3 classes and was able to only be up at school 3 nights a week.

It all started one night back in November 2012. I thought I was having a great time with my boyfriend at the time and I randomly twitched. I freaked myself out and the twitching got out of control. My body went numb and I could hear my heart pounding so loudly I thought it would come out of my chest. The room seemed to be getting smaller and both my mind and sight went completely blank. Tears ran my face as I pleaded for help asking my boyfriend what was happening to me. I couldn't stop freaking out and began to profusely vomit. The only thought in my head was "I am going to die".
After what I felt like was forever but was nearly close to 45 minutes, my boyfriend calmed me down and talked me through whatever was happening to me. I thought that moment of intense fear was over until we laid down in my bed and the truly terrifying feeling returned. The only thing I remember was my face in my pillow saying to my boyfriend "I want to die- I want to die- I really want to die". I just could not escape this horrendous feeling that was taking over my whole body. After quite some time, I fell asleep.

The next day, I tried to forget what happened because I couldn't even make sense of it. I didn’t bother to tell my Mom because I thought it would never happen again, until I was laying in my bed the next night and the feeling returned. Just as bad, if not worse. I went into the living room where my Mom was watching TV and started bawling my eyes out and uncontrollably shaking. My head rested in my lap and my legs were trembling as I told her I didn't want to live anymore. I explained what happened the night before and I looked up to see my Mom crying, which made everything worse. She felt utterly helpless and ended up taking me to the Emergency Room later that evening to find out I had suffered from a severe panic attack.

I was desperate for any help I could get. It was hard to get the help I needed when every place I called asked if I had attempted suicide and when the answer was no, they just shut me out. It’s almost like no one took me serious. My mom fought to get me into the best programs in Rhode Island. Within the next couple of weeks, I had 2 therapists, took part in weekly neuropsych therapy sessions, and attended the Butler Hospital Partial Program (which was exceedingly helpful). However, these panic attacks went on for a extensive amount of time and I began to feel empty pits in my stomach everyday. I did not understand why I was becoming depressed but after the mental health evaluation and speaking to my doctor, I realized that anxiety and depression come hand in hand. I would lay on the couch for DAYS. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse was when I started getting really bad surrealism. I couldn't feel who I was anymore, everything seemed like a blur, and I felt like I had lost everything. I was depressed, angry, embarrassed and ashamed because I couldn’t cope with what was happening to me. Every doctor that I went to suggested I try an SSRI along with therapy to see if I could get any better. I was completely against medicine but I needed to feel something again other than the negative emotions my body was emerged with. Most of these medications made me feel even 10 times WORSE but when I tried Zoloft, my life felt like it was slowly piecing itself together again.

6 months later, I felt like my life had returned. I went back to school to finish up my Bachelors Degree and have been living on my own for 3 years. Instead of having 3 panic attacks a week, it changed to 3 panic attacks a month. All the therapy sessions I have done were of course helpful but they just didn’t seem to change how my body felt. As much as some people are against medicine for mental illnesses, I felt like Zoloft had truly saved my life. I had become stable and happy again and realized there was actually a light at the end of the tunnel.

This leaves me where I am today. 4 years later. I am 22 years old with a Bachelor's degree from Johnson and Wales University in Sports/Entertainment/Event Management and a concentration in Marketing and Sales Revenue. I also will be attending MBA Program at JWU in the winter. I find ways to get through my days- some days are better than others but I always think to myself "never give up". I have to endure millions of negative thoughts daily, which sneak into my mind in every possible situation. Whether it's waking up or going out with my friends, my anxiety will always try to ruin it. Which has lead me to become stronger and to not let something like this control the beautiful life I was given. It's always been very difficult for me to accept that I'm feeling very anxious or depressed when you are surrounded by the overwhelming love from family and friends, have a degree in hand, for the most part healthy, and stable on my own. It is hard to accept wanting to disappear in to the thin of the air when you think about the future. But these are things I continue to work on daily and want to speak out to help others suffering as well. Once I learned to accept my diagnosis and know that it was going to be with me forever I was left with a choice: to learn different ways to cope with it or let it overtake me. You may think that choice is obvious, but for someone who has lived with a mental illness it is not that simple. I have let my anxiety ruin many friendships, relationships and moments I will never be able to get back. But... here's to a new start and a new chance to tackle the obstacles that lie ahead.