Aside
from the dreadful panic attacks, the constant worrying, the negative thoughts,
and the inability to never fully relax, I would have to disclose that one of my
worst character flaws is my deep sense of insecurity. My body is
relentlessly drowned with immeasurable amounts of insecurity. Not just the
insecurity about how you physically look on the outside but how feel about yourself
on the inside. I've wrestled with insecurity problems for as long as I could
remember. Being the middle child definitely wasn’t the easiest role to play
growing up but it did lead me to not act as the most well behaved child. At
times, I could be so malicious to people around me. My parents always thought
it was jealously issue. In fact it was. I envied the way some kids got royally
treated. I was constantly punished. Constantly being thrown from one house to
another, getting my door removed from my evil step father, not being allowed to
go any place other than my room, and being told I was going to be put in a
group home. Whether I deserved these punishments for being a merciless child,
it made it nearly impossible to downright love myself inside. I always saw
other kids full of laughter, smiling, and they sure made it seem like their
life was completely perfect. Now I’m not saying every moment in my childhood
was horrible or that my parents are bad people for giving me proper punishment,
but certain experiences affected how I felt inside and carried with me as I
grew older.
The insecurity carried with me for a lingering amount of time. It wasn’t until I was nearly a Sophomore in High School that I began to feel good about myself again. I was surrounded with some of the best friends in the world, I was apart of a dance competition team, and I loved my High School Volleyball team. I felt good about myself for a while until I had to turn the page in the book and begin a new chapter of my life; college. As exciting as you think going to college may be, I didn’t exactly cope with the change well. This was also around the same time that I was diagnosed with anxiety. The feeling of being insecure returned and came back full force. About a few months into being diagnosed, I started to question almost everything in my life. I think the main question that set me off was “Why me?”. I didn’t understand why I had been diagnosed with such a horrible disease that made me feel sick every second of every day. I would then question the most ridiculous things because I couldn’t confine in myself. Is my best friend finding a new best friend? Does the guy I have a crush not like me anymore? Is my hair too long? How about too dark? Does someone not texting me back in over a few hours mean that they suddenly hate me?
Did I do something wrong?
The answer was no. I am well aware that I struggle with insecurity. They say that one of the most attractive traits a woman can have is her confidence, which is why I have always shown confidence on the outside even if it's the exact opposite of how I felt on the inside. But the more people got to know me and got close to me, the more my insecurities bled through my skin. I was back to my old self again where I had no appreciation of my talents, personality traits, abilities- and I was judging myself unfairly according the perverted view and past experiences I have gone through. I’ve always felt somewhat worthless, unimportant, and talent less for months on end and at times it could be one of the worst feelings. It's hard to admit that majority of guys have eventually made me feel like I was not good enough or how many friends I used to be extremely close to are now complete strangers to me. I truly struggle with the fear of getting close to people again because they ALWAYS leave. And when they leave, I think it’s me. It makes me question parts of my life. But then again, that’s life for you and life is constantly changing.
Back in July, Taylor Swift made a very moving speech at her concert that brought tears to my eyes and hit really hard to home. Instead of writing it all out, please watch this video. Regardless if you like Taylor Swift or not, I personally cannot put into words how much I can relate to her speech.
"You're seeing all these angles of your own life and you're comparing it to other people's lives when you don't see what they're going through- you just see the good parts of what they're going through. And so I say to you, when you start to compare yourself to other people, please change the channel in your mind to something else. When it comes to how we see ourselves other people are mean, but we are really mean to ourselves."
With
all that being said, I continuously keep my head up. I will never bring other people
down just because I lack self-confidence in myself. In fact, I am aware and
when I start to act like I’m being ridiculous or thinking something irrationally I will pick up on it. On this
difficult road to feeling good about myself again, I wrote some rules to live
by when you who are feeling insecure as well.
- Be Aware
Distinguish between
what is real and what is imaginary. Before you go on a rampage or begin to
think the complete worst of things, think logically. For example, you just get
finished talking to your best friend about how thankful you are she’s in your
life and you can’t wait to go out on Friday. She responds with “Okay sounds
good”. Instead of thinking oh my god she
doesn’t even care, she doesn’t even want to hang out, did she find a new best
friend, what did I do wrong? I miss how things used to be. But in reality-
think about it. Is that your imagination running away with every possible
reason that is wrong? People that are insecure tend to focus on the negative
and seeing the worst in things when in fact that person probably didn’t even
think twice about sending that text. Look at it from the other person’s
aspect and change your mindset.
2. Stop comparing yourself
One of the worst
things you can do is compare yourself to others. You may compare yourself to
someone who is beautiful, has a handsome boyfriend and a humbling career. But
you don’t see what they’re going through- you just see the good parts of what
they’re going through. Change the channel in your mind to something else. Begin
to appreciate the wonderful things about YOURSELF and what makes YOU different.
Instead of comparing yourself to someone, compare yourself to you. How are you
becoming a better person? What are the skills you have now that you didn’t once
have before? Although it may seem like a never-ending game of comparison and
competition, you are your fiercest competition in life and only you can better
yourself.
Take the time to look
in the mirror in the morning and be proud of who you are. Be proud of the
things you have accomplished. Take baby steps to loving yourself again. Think
of what makes you different from other people and don’t let the opinion of
someone else mold you into who you are. Take the time to write out all
your good qualities- What do you like
about yourself? What’s your best personality trait? And most importantly,
take care of your body, your space, and your time. Make sure to keep your body
healthy- exercise, eat healthy, and get enough sleep. Keeping your body healthy
is a huge step to being confident and feeling good about yourself again. Use
your time wisely. Instead of letting your mind drift off into different negative
places, do what you love and love what you do. Do what makes you feel good and
what makes you feel happy. Eliminate the things that DON’T make you feel good.
Fake it till you make it.
Easier said than done
but grab a hold of your insecurity and don’t let it go. Face it,
accept it and you’ll soon be on your way to self-acceptance and love.
